I Want My Life To Be Like Disneyland.

Sometimes I feel a little funny exposing myself while relating experiences I have during therapy sessions but this one was just too good to pass up! My step mom calls them "Ah Ha! moments" when you realize something you never realized before.
My mind keeps turning it over and over in my head and I'm having so much fun with it I thought I'd share it. So here is my Ah Ha! moment from my last therapy session. Today Dr. Bean told me that I want my life to be more like Disneyland when in reality... life is more like a National Park. I just started laughing cause the first images I got in my head were this....



(which is a picture of some people I don't know at an ugly national park... who I would not like to vacation with.)


Versus this....




....Which would you rather choose?!





But after stopping to think for a moment what he really meant by a national park, which would look more like this...




all at once the horrific truth of it all sunk into me! I couldn't get over it! It was the perfect analogy!

Sometimes I DO want my life to be like Disneyland. Who wouldn't? It's easy to be attracted to the bight lights and loud music! And I think it's okay for it to be that way sometimes but for the most part life is more....mature, for a lack of a better word. Filled with deeper beauties that may not be as exciting but are filled more with a peace and serenity that you can't find... even at the top of Space Mountain. I'll admit that sometimes I feel young and reckless and I do stupid things that make me feel good for an hour or two but they are never lasting. In the back of my mind I know they won't last. The rides can never go on forever and even if it did, what started out as an exhilarating rush of adrenaline slowly would turn to nausea and the employment of a barf bag.

Long lasting peace and happiness comes from a different kind of atmosphere. It may not be as exhilarating all the time, but I certainly wouldn't define National Parks as boring. Maybe for a 3 year old it would be, but that's what I mean about maturity. Growing and learning to appreciate beauty in simpler forms like watching your son ride a bike for the first time or eating a delicious Marsala Chicken Ravioli (which is my favorite dish at The Macaroni Grill). It's about taking time not only to see the beauty and wonder in things around you, but to appreciate them as well.

Today I would like to share some of the things we all notice and appreciate in our own "National Parks." Mine is going to be playing catch with Matt in the front yard yesterday while the kids took at nap. I was surprisingly warm which made for perfect weather and basking in the sun while tossing the ball around was the perfect way to enjoy it.

Your turn.

What Were We Thinking???

I was feeling a little nastalgic this evening and decided to take a look at some of our very first blogs. See, this is why I love blogs. It's like an online photo album! But what started out as feelings of warmth and remembrance soon turned to horror that at one point and time we posted these pictures on the World Wide Web. Oh man, these are so much worse than those old kindergarten pictures you find where you hair is in a high side pony with your bangs in a wave, an oversized t-shirt thats knoted to one side and sandles with socks! ....much worse!


I'm so surprised that some child protection agency didn't come track us down for this. Granted they are IBC Rootbeer bottles, but still!


This one I am totally busting out the night Jake brings home his frist Prom date. Quote from She's The Man: "Remember ladies....chew like you have a secret!"


What I want to know is on what day did I get up in the morning and decide that my hair would look best this color? It's bright freaking yellow! I had some better ones to display the horror of it all but I couldn't find them.


Heres the next fashion disaster. Oh yes ladies and gentlemen, those are Pajamas. Pajamas with FEET!


....I have no words for this picture.


I'm hoping that this was taken at like 3am.... and that for Matt's sake that he was drunk.


Welcome back KID ROCK!

The Immature Side of Me

Ok, so today I was walking around Sportsman's Warehouse to load up on fishing supplies (since it is now that time of year where we waste good money to participate in a sport we always fail at. Seriously! I have never caught a fish in my life, yet every year we invest money onto it. It makes no sense!) and at the check out stand there is a big bucket of assorted Old Fashioned Candies. Among them was this flavor. Now you look at that word in red and tell me how YOU might pronounce that. I am obviously still in the third grade because I started busting out laughing! Even if it is pronounced as a word that is not at all associated with the dairyare, why would you even want to come close like that with a name for candy? I thought it was too funny to pass up so I bought it just for the sake of blogging it. I must admit though, I'm still a little afraid to eat it.

Oh and by the way, our day of fishing ended just like all others in the past. Matt getting frustrated that nothing was biting and no fish. Jake also accidentally dropped his pole off the side of the dock, thus losing it forever. I might as well have just taken $14 and tossed it into the lake! Somewhere down there is a fish swimming around with a Rolex because of all the money that gets dropped into that place. .....and a collection of Spriderman Fishing poles mounted in his trophy room which he shows off to is buddies whenever they come over.

Fear of Water

I love the water. I mean, looooove water. I love to swim in it, play in it, swing off rope swings into it, skii on it, kayak on it…you name it, I love it. I think I enjoy water sports more than any other activity, as long as there are other people involved. If I’m by myself though… you can forget it!

Like the other day, I was at the gym swimming laps in the pool. When I got in the water there were two other people. Half way through my workout however, they had finished theirs and got out. I made it through 2 more laps after they left before my imagination got the better of me and sharks were lurking in the deep end and members of the Italian Mofia were entering to make sure amie was “swimmen with da fishes.”

Another example: last summer Matt dared me to swim out to a buoy out at Black Sandy Lake while we were camping. It was about 150 yards out but I was completely confident in my ability to make the swim, no problems there, but about halfway through it I could have sworn the underwater growth that was tickling my legs were little arms reaching up to drag me down and pull me under! My pride in finishing the swim was the only thing to keep me going!

I tell ya what! It’s so juvenile these things I think up and what’s worse to admit is that they really freak me out enough for me to get out of the water! You’d think that as a full grown woman, I could at least keep my wits about me enough to make it work but being alone in water... I just can’t handle it. Which I find strange because I love water SO much! It’s like when most normal people see this...





I see this...



I guess I’m just looking for some solace here. Please tell me you have some sort of fear or phobia that makes you feel this way too! Tell me that you still get up on chairs when you see spiders or can’t be in the same room with snakes! SOMETHING! ANYTHING to make me feel normal!

For My Matt

I know this is a little late but I wanted to post something for my Matt in celebration of our anniversary. I was going to post the Shania Twain "Looks Like We Made It" song that we danced to at our wedding (who could have possibly guessed that song would come to mean more to us as time went on? We only picked it then cause it was easy for you to dance to! haha) But I chose my latest and greatest for you my dear which is "Realize" and "Magic" by Colbie (the later of which was the only one I could find to put on my playlist). Everytime I hear them they make me think of you and how glad I am that I DID realize before it was too late that you are my better half. The "Magic" song make me think of how you love for me to tickle your back with my finertips at night but also expresses so much of how I feel about you.

I can't survive without you and thats the truth. With all thats happend to us I never thought it possible to feel so happy, especially so soon but you make me happy with all the small things you do like waiting up for me every night I work just so you can give me hugs and kisses even though I know you are so tired. When you still open my car door for me. When you tell me everyday how beautiful you think I am. When you play with our boys all roudy-like and swing them around and flip them. They love that! When you do jobs that aren't typically yours like cook dinner or clean the house just to make my life easier. For ALL the little things you do! You mean everything to me and I'm so glad that we never have to "miss out on eachother now." Thanks for sticking by me and giving me so much that I truely don't deserve.

Take time to realize,
That your warmth is. Crashing down on in.
Take time to realize,
That I am on your side
Didn't I, Didn't I tell you.

But I can't spell it out for you,
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I cant spell it out for you

If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
and will never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

Take time to realize
Oh-oh I'm on your side
didn't I, didn't I tell you.
Take time to realize
This all can pass you by.. Didn't I tell you

But I can't spell it out for you,
no its never gonna be that simple
no I can't spell it out for you.

If you just realized what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

It's not always the same
no it's never the same
if you don't feel it to.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you.

If you just realized what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder
Just realized what I just realized

OoOoOOo

missed out on each other now
missed out on each other now





Magic

You’ve got magic inside your finger tips
Its leaking out all over my skin
Everytime that i get close to you
Your makin me weak with the way you
Look through those eyes

[C:]
And all i see is your face
All i need is your touch
Wake me up with your lips
Come at me from up above
Yeaaaa, oh i need you

[V2:]
I remember the way that you move
Your dancin easily through my dreams
Its hittin me harder and harder with all your smiles
You are crazy gentle in the way you kiss

[C:]
All i see is your face
All i need is your touch
Wake me up with your lips
Come at me from up above

[B:]
Oh baby i need you
To see me, the way i see you
Lovely, wide awake in
The middle of my dreams

[C:]
And all i see is your face
All i need is your touch
Wake me up with your lips
Come at me from up above

[C:]
All i see is your face
All i need is your touch
Wake me up with your lips
Come at me from up above
Yeaaaa, oh oh da da da do do do do do
Ahhhhhh, i ….. i need you

The Best Part About Hard Things

This is a short blog to celebrate the fact that I felt I hit a milestone! Today was the most wonderfully difficult day I think I’ve had in a while. In fact I was just telling Matt the other night that things were going really well. So well, that it scared me a little. It seems in my life there is always a calm before a storm. I worried about when that storm would come and burst my happy little bubble...and today it did.

Today I ran into someone from my past that hurt me quite a bit. I wrote her a letter months ago of forgiveness but I’m ashamed to say that many a nasty thought has passed through my mind about this woman since then and I thought should I ever bump into her, one lined zingers and a couple swear words were locked and loaded (just kidding, I’m not a swearer really...I’m a lady!). But to my own astonishment, something wonderful happened instead. I stopped her, asked her how she was and gave hugs.

You know what was the best about that? I felt like I was that same on paper as I was in person. It was true! I had given forgiveness for something thats been really hard to let go of and STUCK BY IT!

Know whats even better than that? The way I feel right now. I feel FREE! Like a weight has been lifted that I didn’t even realize was dragging me down. It really makes you stop and think “Boy, our church leaders really DO know what they are talking about when they say forgive all.” After today I have gained new insight that the rewards from this are NOT for the receiver...but for the giver.

I’m sure that this storm is far from over. I’m sure there will be many more hailstorms of trials and thunder and lightening that lie ahead for the next little while but for right now all I can say to that is bring on the rain!

I want to take a moment and celebrate all our recent accomplishments! Big or small. You cleaned out your junk drawer, yay! You ran a marathon, lets hear about it! Tell me at least one thing that you did this past week that you are really happy about. Then I want you to stand up and do a little victory dance. Mine slightly resembles Elaine from Seinfeld...Pretty scary that I teach dance huh?

Get this Seinpost

Helping or Haunting?

The past is a horrible and wonderful thing at the very same time. Parts of it make us smile, parts of it have the ability to find our elusive and genuine belly laugh. Parts of it make us cry and others can take us from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. Human lives are so intertwined and complex though that it’s hard sometimes to remember the good without remembering the bad. You’ll see that if you’ve ever made a real mistake in your life (and by real, I mean one you would take back all together if you could) then even a good walk down memory lane can be interrupted by a bad decision or person who hurt you. Unless you have selective memory loss, which I’ve noticed is more of an active choice rather than a disease.

Heres what always happens to me. Something will strike a chord and I’ll remember something from my past. If it’s bad, I start doing something else to get rid of the thought. If it’s good, sometimes I’ll stay zoned out for several minutes thinking about it. But inevitably if I stay in dreamland, it isn’t long before any kind of bad memory will rear it’s ugly head to ruin the moment. Always. So I guess that’s why I try not to think about the past much anymore. At all. But is that a bad thing, or a good thing?

Even our “bad pasts” serve a purpose. Just like a child who touches a hot stove for the first time, the burn reminds us that we never want to do that again. But it’s such a shame that our beautiful bodies have to carry the scar as a reminder that all would have been better had we listened the first time when someone warned “don’t touch that!” The question might be then, how do we WEAR our scars? And I’m talking any scar. Self inflicted or imposed by another.

Are they bright burning scarlet S’s? Do we cup it sorrowfully with our hands to symbolize that someone has hurt us and that the wound keeps us in constant pain? Do we look at it constantly to remind us of the vendetta we carry? “My name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father, prepare to DIE!” Do we hide them as best we can with long sleeves and band aids to avoid personal criticism? “Bow to the Queen of Slim. The Queen of filth! The Queen of Putrescence! Boooo!” (sorry, Princess Bride just has some GREAT quotes in it for me today!)

The great thing is that, like so many things, it’s a choice. It’s a conscious effort to keep your scars however you may. A conscious effort to keep your past wherever it lies. The other good comfort is that the Atonement can heal all. Looking at any gaping wounds you may have right now, it’s hard to see that a full recovery could ever take place, but it can….if you let it. It takes time and patience but the biggest reality to remember during the healing process is that there is a life happening right now. YOUR life. And if you let the scars from your past take over your thoughts too much, one day you’ll wake up and find that the time you’ve spent wishing away the past is just another thing you’ll wish you didn’t do. After all, “time spent wishing, is time wasted.” How true that is.