Friday, January 8, 2010

Dating Tragedies

My SIL Jamie posted the most hilarious story about her worst date ever. I just about laughed my bum off! She thought it would be funny if we all shared a story of our own too. So, here goes.

It was senior year….Prom. I capitalize the the P in prom cuz it's the most important and pinnacle time in a high school girl’s life. I mean this is THE MOMENT. Girls do crazy stuff for this night like wear 100 bobbie pins in their hair and give up their virginity. It’s like high school celeb night. I think our theme might have even had something to do with “the red carpet!” Everyone is gussied up in overpriced clothing that they’ll NEVER wear again, arriving in cars that aren’t theirs, painted and hair sprayed to the max! Unfortunately, I had just broken up with my long distance boyfriend (and date) and was in desperate need of someone to escort me.

Queue Ryan.

Ryan was a beautiful boy with a tinge of a “bad boy” persona. He even had a motorcycle! In high school! Who has a motorcycle in high school? He attended my church every once in a while with his inactive mother and brother (which just adds to his appeal don't you think, pulling up to CHURCH on a motorcycle!? Oh yeah.) He had to travel 45 minutes from another town to attend, which meant that he didn’t go to my high school and was therefore not coupled up already. I asked him to go and he said yes. Perfect!

Now maybe I should preface this by explaining that I grew up with a father who gave me a “talking to” every time I tried to open a door for myself. Call me pampered and antifeminist, but I have no problem with chivalry. In fact, I expected it. Which is probably where my problem began…

Since it was MY prom that we were going to, I offered to buy the bid (price of dinner and admission to the dance). In those days that amounted to two weeks worth of work at a 50s diner I was employed at in town. Thats two weeks of scrubbing deep fried crap off the floor and asking "you want fries with that?"

Still I felt I should tell him I would pay since I asked him. THAT conversation was definitely what I call a “no reach” moment. Ya know, when a guy goes to pay the bill at the end of the meal and the girl makes a reach for the check and he says “no no, I got this, but thanks for the reach.” Like I said, with Ryan there wasn’t even a twitch of the hand. But he was driving us to the dance in his dad’s sports car and he had big arms and a nice smile, so I forgave him.

Day of the Prom comes. My hairstylist step mom just finished perfecting my hair and make up and I’m dressed to impress. He pulls up to my house NOT in...

as promised. But in....

minus the surf board, wearing jeans and a t-shirt. …yeeeah. I don’t think he was seeing this night like I was. Most important night and not only were we going to be late now that we had to wait for him to get READY, but my hair was going to go from


Alright I say to myself. It’s gonna be ok. He goes in to change. Comes back out and we get ready to take a few pics for the whole boutonnière corsage thing. ….Only, he didn’t get me a corsage. All the men in my house just shake their heads in disappointment and look at me like “where did you find this loser?”

Somehow, we make it to the Prom, but it only took about half way through dinner for me to see that he was beautiful ,without a brain. Conversation was lacking….considerably. In fact, it as like learning a whole new meaning to the term “meathead.” I spent the rest of the meal silently chiding myself for not discovering this earlier. I must have been blinded by his good looks which, so far, were turning out to be his only strong point.

I might had been able to find solace in the comfort of my friends but unfortunately it was on this night I discovered just how much we had grown apart with all the time I had recently spent visiting my ex-boyfriend, dad, and sister who all lived in other towns. Plus they didn’t know my date and we already established that he was incapable of an intelligent exchange.

I’m feeling used, alone and bored in the middle of a slow dance on what should be the best night of my life and all the sudden, Ryan tries to kiss me!! Now, he may have been a fine-looking boy and I may have been a hormonal teenage girl interested in the opposite sex, but I certainly wasn’t THAT horney! I pulled the whole head-turn thing and he planted one on my check. I'm very proud of that moment but I was still feeling like I could identify with this girl..

I don't know who she is, but I LIKE her!

Finally we headed home and except for him trying to bum a dollar for soda and a few more kisses off me on the way, it didn’t get much worse.

The only highlight of that entire night was coming home and finding a corsage left for me on my pillow by my sister’s boyfriend who was one of the men to witness the horrible way that whole evening started.

So there you have it! The most horrible date I ever had. It could have been a lot worse, but it was bad enough for me. Lets hear one of yours!

ps- When I typed the word "prom" in google images, I got this picture:

Really? I mean REALLY? What is the world coming to?! I don't know whether to take her to the local brothel or return her to the gypsies! Common parents! Put your man pants on and tell your daughter to get dressed! Ain't no way I'd let her out of the house like that! Much less to Prom. This is one of the biggest reasons why chivalry is dead in the first place. Why would men work to get the hamburger when they can get the whole cow for free? See what I'm sayn?

Welp, look at the bright side though, if she hurrys on down to the corner she can earn a little gas money for her date!