Friday, September 26, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
I know I probably should start off with some sort of an apology for not posting something in so long but, after much thought, I’ve decided that since it’s MY blog… I don’t have to.
On September 30th of last year, I posted a ‘Work Horror Stories’ article about my first couple days as a server. In honor of my year mark at this restaurant, I thought I’d spend another post having a few more laughs at my job. Things have chanced quite a bit of course, I’m a well seasoned server now and I’m proud to announce that that fateful day, so long ago, was the first and last time I ever spilt a drink (or food for that matter) on anyone. …knock on wood. My job title has even expanded a bit to include assistant manager a few nights a week, which basically just puts me into different scenarios to laugh at myself.
But as one who has come so far, I thought it only fair that I get to use this year mark post to turn the tables a little bit and make fun of some of the crazy people who come into our restaurant. And believe me...there are many.
I think the funniest part about my job now is that I have developed this keen ability to see people in two ways within the first 10 seconds of meeting them. Yes, in the first 10 seconds, I can tell you what the nice version of themselves would look like as well as the evil version. Normally halfway through the evening one of those sides prevails. It’s mostly dependant on things out of my control like how long it took the hostess to seat them or how long it takes the kitchen staff to cook their food. It's either a fun or horrific little game seeing if they enjoy their meal peacefully or if I spend most my time at their table side trying to figure out how they comb their hair so the horns don’t show.
I have to admit though, for the most part people are great and normal. But who wants to talk about that? I think one of my most favorite parts of serving is when people crack annoying jokes at my tables. They think they are soooo funny and original when in reality I’ve heard most of them about a thousand times. Like this one for instance…
Amie: “How is everything going over here?”
Guest: “Oh! Your manager just stopped by! We told them the food was great, but the service was horrible! Ba hahaha!”
Amie: “haha, oh you’re funny!” – as I walk out of earshot- “can I borrow your spoon? I’m gonna go cut my heart out in the back.”
Or, when I put on my assistant manager hat, one of my duties is to wander the floor and approach tables that have already gotten their food and check to see how everything is. Of course every once in a while I get a table where some are still eating and others obviously have been locked in a cellar for the past few days without food or water and finished their meals in 2 minutes flat. But since a few of them are still enjoying their food like normal human beings, I have to ask
“How is everything this evening?”
To which the Somalia people cut in, showing me their empty plate...
“Ooooh, it was horrible!!”
“haha, I can see that.” As I pick up a near by napkin “hold on, you have a little something on your face...oh, nothing but a little overzealous sarcasm. Let me wipe that smirk off your face. You’re good.”
People never fail to surprise me though. Just when I think I’ve seen it all, all the sudden I’ve seen too much! Like secret lovers fondling each other in corner booths or the newly 21 year old puking her third Italian margarita up in the bathroom. Tsk tsk! No no sweetheart, those are big girl drinks. Old men that seem to hold their liquor well, appearing coherent enough….until they stand up. “Do you offer curbside assistance?” as he leans uncomfortably into my bubble space. I even had one man get hauled out by police officers for drunk driving right as he was in the middle of ordering his first Bud Light. I probably wouldn’t have even picked up on his intoxication either if he hadn’t half belched the request. Amazing how all my fun stories stem from booze. I wouldn’t encourage it, but it sure makes for entertaining nights!
Yes, its been a long good year and to the people of Helena, I would like to give a big thank you. Thank you to the rednecks who come in their cut off shirts and John Deer hats. I did what you said and used that 50 cent tip to buy me something “reeeal purdy.” (not a joke) Thank you to the high-class folk who come in to stuff their high-class faces. Who over tip just so they can feel better about acting like pompous a**holes. Thank you to the children who mash up their macaroni and “feed it to the monster under the table.” Thank you to the horney teenage boys who draw me “interesting” pictures and leave me their phone numbers despite the obvious ring on my finger. I think I hear your mommy calling. And lastly…Thank you to the 90 year old man, who the other night, put his year pass to the strip club in place of his Visa to pay the bill on accident. Your wife will forgive you...someday.