Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Freedom Of Speech

The problem with running a blog like a newspaper column instead of the usual photo album (like my other blog is) is that when you talk about things, you can never really post what you WANT to say. I just spent the last half hour writing a funny, witty little shpeel on an experience I had not too long ago, but couldn’t post it because I was sure the degree of offense would have been severe. This is because 99% of my audience is family and would interpret my writings to be about them.

Ere go, let me preface this blog with a disclaimer. I think a lot of times we might read these things and think “oh my gosh! They wrote that about me!” which then leads to heart warming feelings, feelings of embarrassment or maybe even feelings of anger and resentment. Which is the problem with writing to an audience who knows you. There is no REAL freedom of speech. Haha. Women especially have this problem. I know because….I’m a woman! It’s just what we do. Probably has something to do with the on going belief that the world revolves around us.

Let me just clear up ahead of time that this blog is not about you. Whoever you are, however you are related to me, I’m not talking about anyone. Although it’s a blog about families, these are simply thoughts that have transpired more from too much in-depth thought rather than personal experience. So, back to the show!

In the real, political, business-like world things work a lot more differently than they do with families. We can put our opinions and suggestions out on the table without hurt feelings or tears. “It’s not personal, it’s business,” “Freedom of speech,” all plausible excuses for speaking boldly and to the point of the matter. But you can’t be that way with family. Why? I’ll tell you why in one word…..Emotion.

So the question is, where does freedom of speech go when he runs and hides with any sort of family tie? Ha! I’m gonna put that on a bumper sticker and make millions! “Freedom of speech runs and hides with any sort of family ties.” Brilliant!

The point is, when you invite emotion to come sit down at your honesty table, honesty doesn’t stay for long. If he did, he’d be quickly drop-kicked out the front door by “hurt feelings,” or “offensive!” But what about when there’s something that NEEDS to be said but is hard to say? What if it’s unpleasant? What if there is no easy or delicate way to put it but if you don’t say anything, the silence could be more detrimental? What would you do? Say it and then give a fake grin as you twist your index fingers into your dimples? “Smile! What I just said was hard to take buuuuuuuuut.,,, ‘if you chance to meet a froooown, do not let it staaaaay!” Cause that ALWAYS works for me. Ha! Yeah right.

I’m not speaking as if I stand above this problem. Oooooh no! I do my fair share of fist pounding and feet stomping whenever someone has the courage to say something to me. Ever heard of the “boom heard round the world?” That was my tantrum when someone first told me I didn’t look good in yellow. And why would I do that? NOBODY looks good in yellow! It’s easy to explain actually cause you see, the same button that’s used to make my “wall of defense” shoot up is also connected to my “overreaction button.” Try it and you’ll see what I mean. I get defensive and loud and emotional, all at the same time.

There are times though that I am able to hide my reaction and pass it off like it didn’t matter much but the hurt feelings always rear their ugly heads no matter how hard I try to suppress them. It’s more often than not waaaay past the appropriate time to say something though and my frustrations get taken out on the wrong people, Example:

Matt: “So, do you want cereal or eggs for breakfast?”
Amie: “I LOOK GREAT IN YELLOW!!! ….ahem, excuse me, ummm cereal.”
Matt: “Whoah. Cereal it is then!”


That happens because no one likes a critic. Simply put. No one likes to hear bad things about themselves and when people (mostly family) get close enough to see that we do actually have a bad side it puts everyone between a rock and a hard place. You are wonderfully close and you now know them well enough to recognize that they have problems yet you can’t say anything because….you’re too close! Say for instance your wife snores at night (and no before any of you try and see how my examples are related to me, I don’t snore). Lets say it’s not just any snore either. This is an earth shattering, mind numbing, makes you have bloodshot eyes of insanity at 3 am kind of snoring. There’s a surgery that can be done to fix her, but your afraid in telling her that you’ll hurt her feelings because snoring isn’t normally a womanly feature. What could you do? Your damned if you do and a wired insomniac if you don’t!

Obviously you have to plug the same principle into a scenario of your own to really see the problem but you understand the predicament. And it extends into all kinds of relationships. Sisters afraid of offending brothers, husbands afraid of hurting wives, parents afraid of driving away their children. Ahhh if only there was a simple solution to the problem. With all the advancements we’ve made in the world with the human psyche, there’s nothing out there that can bring freedom of speech back into families. We can open a man’s brain and make him involuntarily lift his right arm but we can’t tell our brother that he has an addiction problem, our wife that she snores or our children that they are flirting with a line of disaster without emotions creating a divide. Maybe some day, some day we’ll find a way to figure it all out.

4 comments:

Laura said...

You say what you want/need to say. If people can't handle what you say or they take it personally then that is their problem. Someone once told me that no one can make you feel bad about yourself but you......I thought "What a bunch of bulls**t, This person makes me feel like s**t every chance they get...weather they know it or not. Well I can tell ya that I had a very long talk with myself and then with Darrin and I really don't care what anyone thinks about me or the way I live my life, raise my kids, decorate (or lack of) my home...Blah Blah Blah. It took a very long time, but now I'm here! I'm so tired of watching my mouth in hopes not to hurt someones feelings. I wont jump on the defensive until someone throws my past mistakes in my face. I have tried so hard to move past those and make my life better and if people can't see that, then they can kiss my arse! I hope that in this long dribble of a comment you get that I agree with you! I love you and I think your great. Say whatever you want, you do have freedom of speech no matter where you are......Your husband fought for your right to do so!

Laura said...

P.S...Darrin says I snore like a bear! LOL

Miss Megan said...

I KNEW this was about me! How did you know I snore? Just kidding. Ha ha. Wow. You are such a great writer. Have you ever thought of teaching an interpersonal communications class? You'd be great!

Jamie said...

'You're so vain, you probably think this blog is about you cuz you're so vain, I bet you think this blog is about you, don't you don't you!??' HAHAHAHA!! This exact thing happened to me last week!!! I wrote on my blog about a situation the bishop invited me into his office to discuss at 9pm on Sunday night (He was talking to two friends of mine who had an interpersonal conflict with which I was not involved). I politely declined but felt overwhelmed by the lameness of so many adults I know. I felt sad that so many people can't take responsiblity for their choices and can't give one another a break. And the poor bishop (who, unbeknownst to some people I guess, HAS A LIFE OUTSIDE OF THE CHURCH BUILDING) has to referee all this poo!! Anyway, so I was venting about it (thanks for your comments, by the way) and apparently a bunch of family people went ballistic! I wasn't online because I have been insanely busy this week, but when I came back, the whole blogosphere was a-twitter. It made me want to post in giant letters, "I have significant relationships that trouble me deeply OUTSIDE OF MY FAMILY, too, people!"

Anyway, yeah...you hit it on the head here. But like Laura said, people can only hurt you if you let them. Sad thing is, the only way that people can't hurt you is when you don't respect their opinions or want their approval. That's a hard place to reach. But I like the phrase from the YW 2006 theme that says, "then shall your confidence wax strong in the presence of God..." I know when I have followeed the spirit in expressing myself, and I know when I have gone off track. I feel good and confident when I have spoken the truth; I feel like apologizing when I have been harsh. We all just need to remember, no matter how hard it gets, the only approval we need is Heavenly Father's. It really does bring us peace, and the comments of others won't get to us. Like elder Bednar said in his talk last fall, "IT MATTERETH NOT." (I LOVE THAT TALK--I WANT IT TATOOED ON ME!) XOXOX