I’ve been thinking a lot about surrogate pregnancy. There are two types of surrogate pregnancy out there. The first is traditional surrogacy which is where the father donates the sperm by artificial insemination (of course) and you donate the egg. The second is gestational surrogacy where the intended parents (the couple receiving the baby in the end) donate both the egg and the sperm creating an embryo which is then transferred to you. I, of course, am interested in only the second. The only way I would be able to carry a baby for 9 months and then give it away would be if none of it was a part of me, genetically. I feel this way that I would be able to stay mentally detached from the baby because I wouldn’t consider it mine. I would just be helping someone else’s baby get started in life.
My main concern is if I’m just being naïve. How hard would it really be to carry a baby for 9 months and then give it away, even if it wasn’t mine? Would I get more attached than I think? I mean, of course I feel like I would care for the child and love it but I still think that if it weren’t MY egg or Matt’s sperm, I would never feel like it was mine enough to have problems letting it go. Especially if it were going to a family I love and trust.
It’s a difficult thing to predict. Every woman carries babies differently and deals with changes in their body and hormones differently so even though hearing stories from other mothers helps, it still would be a completely different experience for me. The only way to see how I would deal with it would be to go through it myself! But what if it ends up being the hardest and worst thing I’ve ever done?
On the other hand, I have two major reasons for even considering this whole thing. The first is of course, the joy I would feel of being able to help another couple who isn’t able to have children have, a child of their own! One of their own flesh and blood, with their eyes and their nose and their personality. I can scarcely think of any gift that would be more valued and appreciated than that. MY children are the light of my life. They bring wonder and excitement and adventure. If you ever wanted an occupation where every day is different and every day you are challenged in new ways, then parenthood is the job for you!
I don’t mean to break this precious feeling and turn into the materialistic weasel of the bunch by giving you the second reason, but surrogate pregnancy pays A LOT.
Considering my two top motivations combined……I really don’t see how this could be a bad thing! I mean, getting paid big bucks to let someone else have the sleepless nights and dirty diapers? Letting someone else watch a cute serine face turn from calm and quiet to green and uncomfortable which leads to a large amount of upchucking that inevitably somehow gets into your mouth? Letting someone else get up at 6 am to find the kitchen floor covered in sugar because an early riser was bored? Let someone else clean up the bathroom everyday because actually peeing IN the toilet just isn’t as much fun? Oh yeah, I think I’m game.
Anyway, I’m not taking this decision lightly. I’ve been thinking about it for over a year now and I’m sure it will be a couple more years full of research before I make my decision but in the mean time I would be interested in what my family and friends think of all this. What are your personal opinions about surrogate pregnancy? Do you know anyone who has done it? What have you heard? Just curious about the feedback.
15 comments:
I really suck at being pregnant, so I coudl never do it, but I have so many friends to whom I would love to donate my womb now that I'm done with it. I can definitely relate to the idea of wanting to share the gift of fertility adn the money's a great perk. If you have good pregnancies, I can't thing of a much better stay-at-home job!!
Wow...how did you come up with this complicated idea????
I think it might be difficult for Jake and Sam to understand why this baby doesn't stay with the family. Could it cause them to wonder--since they may not comprehend all of the ins and outs (pardon the pun) whose egg, whose sperm etc--"will they decide to give me away too?" or maybe even worse some kind of survivor's guilt? If I were a child it would make my head and heart spin--despite any amount of explaining.
My general belief is that it is not part of Heavenly Father's plan to create life in this manner. No matter how happy it might make some wonderful couple. I also think that the baby/mother bonding that takes place in the womb is far beyond our current comprehension. The mother and the baby are sharing body chemistry--and we don't know but that chemistry creates a bond all on its own despite our intentions. Perhaps with the intention to give up the baby the chemistry changes...yikes! Could the baby possibly know that "this woman is not going to keep me". Yes, I know babies are given up for adoption everyday. But adoptions are for mistakes. They are an alternative to abortion or teenage motherhood. Anyway...a couple of my thoughts.
Love you,
Mom
hmmm. I guess I finally figured out how to post a comment! Thanks Amie!
Amie,
I am glad you did a post about this. I thought about suragacy a few years ago because I have friends that have been married for probably 12 years and she can't carry babies. I kept thinking about the amazing possibility it would be for them to have a baby with their jeans that they know is all them. It was just a thought of course. If my life were different and I still had my uterus it's something I could do. I don't know if I could get incredibly attatched. I have had 4 of my own. Your mom makes a good point about body chemistry though.
I think Heavenly Father put options like that on this earth. We are lucky to have the science and medical knowledge to do many things.
As for your boys not understanding, well kids only understand on their level. You can teach them that you are doing something wonderful for someone else. They may not get it til their older. I don't know. Thats a tough one.
Interesting comments. Some I agree with and some I do not. Thats what I get for asking for "personal optinions" though, right? haha. I'm glad for the feed back.
I agree with you though Jill that kids understand at their level. Telling them that I am doing something wonderful for another couple is a great way to put it! Very simple. I strongly feel that they would not feel any less loved or lose any sense of security in our family as a result of surragacy. No, not at all.
Now maybe if I were actually KEEPING the baby for a while, then they might have some attachment issues or questions. But they would never even meet the child, so I don't see how it could affect them to a scaring point. Or even do an uncomfortable point.
Babies and people feel unloved because people purposely make them feel that way. Bringing a child into this world with the clear knowledge that someone loved them ENOUGH to help them get here and be apart of a loving family would only make them feel MORE loved I would think.
The whole surragcy process is all about love, charity and selflessness. Allowing another GOOD couple (and you do get to choose the couple, by the way) to have a chance to have a family of their own is an amazing gift! I HIGHLY doubt Heavenly Father would be against such a beautiful thing. I could be wrong, but I don't think so. I persoanlly believe it was God who inspired me with the idea in the first place. For whatever reason.
Besides, if it's so unholy, I'd have thought the church would have come out with some sort of stance on it. Maybe they have. It's all apart of the research I am doing.
Like I said though, I think it all boils down to a personal decision. How you carry babies personally, what kind of personal revelation God gives you on the subject.... bla bla bla. You get the picture.
Amie,
I know you will prayerfully and thoughtfully explore this idea. You have a good heart and a good head on your shoulders.
Maybe your bishop can give you some direction out of the church handbook of instructions. I think you will at least be able to determine whether or not this is discouraged.
One other issue that concerns me is the possible disposal of unused frozen embryos, which is common In Vitro Fertilzation protocol. This brings up the question: "when a soul is created?"
Thank you for allowing some of us to give you our input on this very tender subject. I know you'll find your answers.
Love,
Mom
Believe it or not I've actually thought about doing this at some point in my life because I had such an easy pregnancy with Brady. One thing you have to be careful of is that many surrogacy agencies say that you have to be willing to terminate the pregnancy if the parents wish to, due to genetic defects (ie. downs syndrome, etc). I would not be able to do this, and I'm sure you feel the same. All in all, I think it is one of the most wonderful gifts you can give to someone. I think you would be great. I can honestly say that I if I were ever in the position to need a surrogate mother, I would love for my baby to hear your voice and your laugh every day in utero :) Love ya, Cher
Amie-
Way to put yourself out there! I don't know if I would have the guts to do a post like this, but I'm proud of you for speaking your mind. That being said...
I believe surrogate pregnancy has its positives and negatives, just like most decisions we will make in this life. This is a subject I have actually given a lot of thought, because Oprah has done several shows about surrogate pregnancy. Apparently it is a common practice in India because women there can make an incredible amount of money and use it to escape poverty (ie: they buy a new house, put their kids through school, etc.). The money is certainly a positive aspect, and I think it's OK to admit to that!
You seem like someone who would be a perfect candidate for this sort of thing (physically) because you are in such great shape. You eat healthy, you exercise, etc. If I was looking for a surrogate mother, you would definitely be in the running. I hope that didn't sound too weird? :)
As far as the choice to use another human being to carry your child... I think that we can never know unless we have walked a mile in someone else's shoes. If you had asked me this question BEFORE I had Peter I would have probably been more pro-adoption (there are so many kids who need good homes).
However, since having Peter, there is nothing quite like your own DNA. My little boy never ceases to amaze me! I can't imagine life without him, and I love that he is half of Mike and half of me. Which makes me wish/hope that EVERY mother could experience this as well. In short: Yes, I support surrogate pregnancy.
As for the ramifications emotionally, physically, spiritually for the mother who is carrying the baby...I think that is probably something you just have to go through to understand. I wonder if there are websites or support groups for women who have been through the experience first-hand? I wonder what they say about it? I would be curious to know.
I hope you give this a lot of thought before making any rash decisions...Keep praying, meditating, searching, asking, etc. and I know you will find your own answer.
Love,
Meg
Hum...after a few days of thought, I realize got really defensive about my mom's comment which was a little hypocritical of me. I realized that I was wrong in one aspect. I ASKED for opionions and I can't believe I got so defensive when someone was the first to have the bravery to disagree. Just wanted to say that and to thank everyone for commenting. I really do love hearing what EVERYONE has to say. You all keep me grounded in a sort of way which is why I charish your thoughts so very much. Thanks again for commenting!
love amie
Thanks Amie,
Hey, I have revived my blog--its at http://usstotts.blogspot.com/
Love,
Mom
Wow, Amie. I sense your sincerity and echo Cheryl's comments about wanting a baby to hear your voice and laugh in utero. Tonight while driving home from SLC, the Delilah radio program was honoring mothers. One mother called in who is my age who just delivered a baby in December - the baby was her daughter and son-in-law's baby that she carried for them because her daughter couldn't. So she carried and delivered her grandchild! Talk about love! I thought about it all the way home. If I still had my uterus, as difficult as pregnancy is for me, I would do it in a heartbeat for anyone of my daughters, too.
Wow Amie,
I owe you an apology for being so blunt and reactionary initally to the idea of surrogacy. I hope you will forgive my lack of sensitiviy. I could have done better.
Love,
Mom
WOW! I read this post right after you put it on her but didn't want to comment at that time. I think that once you have made up your mind it will be ok! You will still have the hurt of not having that baby in your life but all you have to do is keep telling your self that he/she wasn't yours. I still tell myself that when I get sad about my Jake and it's been almost 16 years. I love you and I think it's a great thing to be able to give the gift of life to a couple that can't do it for themselves!
Here!
Post a Comment