Simplify

I just want to say how much I have recently enjoyed focusing on the people in my life that are right here, right now. And I know I know that last week I was on the complete opposite end of the spectrum about loving people in general. Right now half of you are thinking…How did she get from “mommy wants Vodka” to “all things bright and beautiful?” …Did she actually get the Vodka?

But really, with so much to distract us from the present, it’s hard to stay attuned to the people actually around us sometimes. It’s almost a struggle these days to do that. Wait….it’s not LIKE a struggle…it IS a struggle!

Besides the fact that there are so many ways to stay in touch without ever speaking a word, it’s like just one more stick gets put on the camel’s back when they started inventing things like myspace, facebook and twitter. As if I don’t have enough trouble keeping in touch with my family, now I gotta stay up to speed with dear old Sally who was my best friend in kindergarten but moved away at the beginning of first grade!?? I really don’t care that she just got a new puppy and can’t get him house trained!

So a few years ago I stopped. I stopped doing anything that had to do with a computer and it literally felt like turning off a T.V. that was playing a bunch of loud static. All the sudden I could hear the doorbell ring! I could listen to my son talking to me….and actually HEAR what he had to say! Birds were chirping outside!!! It actually makes me think of that Carpenters song Close To You… “Why do birds suddenly appeeeear?”

I’m not saying that it’s bad to stay connected. Obviously I’m back on the computer now and I keep up two blogs, but I learned a long time ago, that was my limit as far as technology goes. I don’t do “connection sites,” I check my e-mail MAYBE once a week, I don’t have T.V., and I don’t play video games. They don’t interest me as much as real people do.

Some people can do it. Some people are amazingly talented and can be intensely connected to technology and it works for them. Like Bill Gates. Obviously he’s a millionaire from it. …And if I wanted to have a bad hair cut and wear plaid shirts under an Armani suit then I would try to be more like him.

I’ve learned whats best for me is the face to face, but I have to practically force myself to do it. I love to hear the sound of voice inflection and see facial expression. I love walking with people, crying with them, lol ing WITH them, hugging them! And when technology gets in the way of that I find myself not only becoming disconnected from the tangible reality, but not even liking the tangible reality! Because technology is easy. It’s easier to send an email than it is to call someone on the phone. It’s easier to wish your friend happy birthday on their facebook than it is to come to their house and give them a gift. And the saddest part of it all, is I would totally be the person who breaks up with someone via text if I let myself, why? Because it’s easier than having the courage to tell them to their face “it’s not me….it’s you.”

So I guess what I’m saying is, I can’t do it all and if something gotta to give….it’s gonna be Sally. Sorry Sally, but I free up so much time when I’m not reading about your puppy woes. I’ve decided that it’s ok NOT to be connected to everyone and only in touch with the people we can actually see everyday (plus family). Last week, one of my most favorite things was taking a whole hour to think, while I was getting ready for the day, about what I wanted to tell my friend in her birthday card that I was taking over to her that afternoon. I LOVED that. Knowing she’d get something in my own personal penmanship with a lot of thought behind it. It made me feel so CONNECTED to her.

You see and meet new people everyday. I am just really liking the idea that I am apart and involved with them so long as I can see them face to face at least once a month. Otherwise, my good memories and love for them remain, but I let them move on to the next people bound to touch their lives. And I release myself from any guilt for not knowing every detail of their current life.

It’s my way of internally simplifying. What are some of your ways?

Dear Stupid People of Helena,

You would not believe the kind of people I’ve had to deal with today. ABSOLUTELY incredible. I just can’t get over the absurdly low average IQ sometimes. Dense people! It’s almost a cruel joke of nature not to be able to bring it to your attention. The unbearable pain of possessing a sharp forked tongue capable of verbally chopping you and your idiotic ideas to pieces… only my conscience and common curticy (which is only one of the many droplets in the vast sea of things which sperates us) won’t give me the damn knife!

I’d tell you who you are purely to ensure that the mistake of breeding does not repeat itself….but you wouldn’t listen. I’d only end up with generations of stupider angrier versions of you, so I won’t waste my valuable energy. (And yes I am well aware of the irony in using the non-word “stupider” in that sentence.)

So, idiotic walmart person, oblivious cell phone girl on the freeway, teenage neighbor kids, and President Obama (you aren’t from Helena but we’ll make an exception today in light of your retarded healthcare plan), and everyone else who had the audacity to piss me off today, you all can point your finger at each other and take solace in the fact that “it couldn’t have been me! She must be talking about him.” That’s right, live in denial and procreate! That’s what this world really needs. Except you Obama, I’ve got my people working 24-7 on a little something I like to call permacondum and when it’s done the United States will thank me.

Thank heaven above for the invention of the speed bag. Otherwise I’d be spending a lot of money on anger management.

Never Mind

Deciding to go private was bitter sweet for me. I love it when people I've never met come and comment on our pages. It makes the world seem smaller. So I decided to put my family blog private and keep this one open cause it's more of a column and columns should be for anyone to read. So false alarm folks.

Today

I woke up to an alarm

I prayed

I sliced fresh strawberries atop of snap crackle and pop

I took first day of school pictures

I cried

I took the little man to school

I rode on a yellow school bus (tour)

I sat in a chair too small for me

I saw my son sit in a chair just his size

I cried

I swung on a metal swing set

I climbed a jungle gym

I did a summersault on a metal bar

I watched my boys play

I cried again

...three times. Not too bad. First real day of school is tomorrow though...

Letter To My Boys

To Jake and Sam,

I knew I always wanted to have children but you made me want to be a mom. To do mom things like decorate your room cowboy style and make you chaps to match. Like finding 10 extra minutes to explore the gloriousness of your little toes. Like taking the time in the early hours of the morning to appreciate how perfectly your bodies form against mine as we snuggle down in the blankets, as if my body was made to cuddle yours.

I love that you ask me to sing to you every night before you go to bed. I especially love that I have an entire song made up completely dedicated to The Power Rangers.

I love that you play “pretend.” That the world is a pirate ship to you or a tropical jungle back when dinosaurs roamed the earth. I wonder what it’s like sometimes to see the world through T-Rex’s eyes as you do. We all must look like tiny ants from way up there!

I love that you love each other. That when your father and I get upset with you over misbehavior that you give each other hugs of consolation. Sibling relationships will be the most important of your life.

I love that you love to be outside. That you enjoy nature even more than I do. That you expand your knowledge of the world by examining crickets up close in your tiny hands.

I am so looking forward to being your fulltime mom again so that I can spend every moment with you. If working fulltime has taught me anything, it’s that I want to be a mom. The old fashioned kind that gets up before everyone else does and wears an apron all day. Who makes cleaning fun like my sweet mother used to do by intertwining silly things into our “to do” list like go jump on the trampoline 10 times or go out and pet the horse.

I love and enjoy your company and the vibrancy of your imaginations. I am determined to be the best version of myself so that I can be the best mom for you.

All my love to you,

Mom

COPS

Why is it that when things go wrong...they go REALLY wrong and when things go right they go REALLY right? Why can't life just play me a happy medium?

Anyway, I am not going to complain about our most recent REALLY good and that was Matt getting on with the Helena PD. So bring on all the pig and doughnut jabs!

You've worked so hard for this Matt and I am so thankful for all you have done to get here. No one has been better prepared for this job than you. You could be anything you want but I can just see you excelling in this occupation so easily. You are smart and even tempered, you work well with people yet are fierce when you need to be. You have always had a sense of duty to your God, your family, your country, and your community. I'm just so thankful to be married to a man that our boys can look up to.

Ahg, I feel like we can finally take a deep breath and relax for a moment. In your honor I put my favorite song by The Police on here.

CONGRATULATIONS!!! I love you.

this week...

I'm beginning to appreciate the fact that sometimes the best opinions....are the ones left unshared.